My Awesome Planner

13 November 2011

Today i realized that :

1. No matter how FAR i go, I’ll never be far enough for God to reach me.
2. And when in time of need, and when i’m alone, God will send me comfort, which come in the form of wingless angels.
3. Not every angel has a wing. (And not everything that have wing is an angel.)

And today i’m awed by God’s grace. Again.

You know, i consider myself as a calm person. I don’t freak out easily.

Okay, maybe i do. A bit. I might appear calm on the outside, but inside i am freaking out.

Perhaps i don’t really freak out because i always have this faith that,

If God brings me to it,

God will bring me through it.

Here goes.

Just in case you did not know, here, the mass started in the evening, which is 5 pm.

And it’s the only mass here.

The first week i was here, i totally am not familiar with this place.

 i wonder how am i going to church, where is the church, who am i going with and etc.

And after i fail to figure out the answers to my question, i started to have doubt and i’m thinking of not going to church on Sunday.

Which depressed me. A lot. 

But then, knowing that i’m at my wit’s end, God send me a wingless angel.

Not every angel have wings, and not everything that have wings is an angel.

I found out that one of my housemate who apparently is also my office-mate is a Catolic.

*a.k.a Wingless angel number 1.

Actually she hasn’t been baptized, but she always go to this class where you have to attend this class before being baptized. I’ll spare you the detail.

So she goes to church too. 

And i am more than grateful to follow her every Sunday.

To be exact, for two weeks.

And i only found out that last week she will be transferred to another place.

T.T

Puff. There goes my wingless angel  1. 

Flying to another new place for people that are more in need. I guess.

And well, i’m gonna miss her. Though i just met her, i really like her.

May God bless her, no matter where she is now.  =)

And so, to be frank i am disappointed.

But still,

Thank you God, for this wingless angel, even for a very short time.

At least now i know the road to the church.

So i guess it’s up to me now. 

So today in the morning i wake up and determined to go to church. 

Alone.

I still haven’t figure out how to go to the church.

You see, in case you didn’t know, there’s no taxi here.

I’ve never missed taking taxi so much. Until i’m here. T.T

Here, there’s something similar to taxi, but only its kinda illegal. Not really illegal.

Hmm. They called it as ‘pirate car’ here. To be exact, ‘prebet’.

Ya kurita yang ada pirate di dalam. Tidak ba!!  Well, whatever.

The downside of this pirate car is that your safety is not guaranteed.

But the good side is that it’s cheap. Way cheaper.

And its not like i have a choice here, so here’s my brilliant plan:

How i’m going to the church Brilliant Plan part 1:

 Go to town with a pirate car, and walk to the church.

How in the world am i going back home Brilliant Plan part 2: 

Called this pirate car to the church to fetch me. (which i’m not sure if the driver would know the location of the church)

Another problem is that the church is kinda far from town. Not somewhere you can walk to.

Not much of a plan huh?

I thought so.

So going to the church is not a problem, going back home is.

Just in case the pirate car(which i have his contact number) did not answer his phone, 

or is not available,

here’s the brilliant backup plan:

Call my another housemate to fetch me home.

But well, this is the last thing i have in mind do coz i malas bah mo kasi susah orang.

Plus, it’s a company’s car.

I’d rather take the pirate car.

So i took the pirate car to the town, and i walk to the church not knowing exactly where it is.

I ask around, and tengtedeng......

i reached the Anglican church. 

I was like, em okay. Fine. Don’t give up. Macam sia mau ketawa pun ada.Tapi sia pura-pura tabah sejala.

I almost give up after walking for half and hour.

I passed by this small shop just at the side of the road, and i think the pakcik recognize for passing to and fro his shop for like twice, and he start asking me where in the world am i heading to.

I wonder is it that obvious that i’m lost? Maybe the look in my face gave it away. T.T

The pakcik was so kind and he offered to help me, he stop the passing car, which i guess is another pirate car. But he said i need to pay RM1 for the fare though.

You know, based on my another not-so-statistical observation:

 88% of the car here is a pirate car. 

So yeah, no worries. Hakuna matata.

But the car he stopped is the 12% not-pirate-car.

So the pakcik ask his friend, who were hanging out at his shop to send me.

A random guy.

I was like...Okay. It’s too late to apologize...ivy. 

Suprise  1, The friend i said is not local (i guess), he’s a Benggali. 

No offence, the guy is kinda good looking. Just that i’m not sure he know the place.

*Wingless angel no 2

Suprise 2, The guy ride a motorcycle. (Not much of a suprise, but i was expecting a car.)

Not like i have a choice.

So i just go with the plan. 

Oh. Did i mention that i did not have a helmet?

Here come Surprise number 3,

As if the pakcik can read minds, or maybe its obvious that i'm thinking about me not having a helmet.

The pakcik said to the Benggali guy :
No worries, there’s no police here. If there were, just said that i ask you to do so.

I manage to hold my laughter though. Laugh~

Note to myself : Maybe i should bring my own helmet next week.

So, i ride a motor to the church today. The Benggali guy was so nice, he refuse to take my money.

So i gratefully go to the mass. 

So part 1 is done. Fuh~

And as i wait for the mass to start, i sit at the outside of the church.

Reconsidering my Part 2 of How in the world am i going back home plan.

Whether i’m calling the pirate car, or call my housemate to fetch me. Or to walk back home.

Option 3 is kinda impossible. It’s very far. And dark.

And that’s when God’s Awesome plan comes to me.

I thought i have a better plan since i did have a backup plan.

 You know...

The calling-my-housemate-using-company-car-to-fetch-me plan.

But i was wrong.

God’s plan is always better. 

And i’ve forgotten that.

So..

God’s-Awesome-Plan comes in the form of another wingless angel.

*Here come the wingless angel no 3.

A wingless angel with a black shiny car. (seriously)

I know i’m making this a bit melodramatic.  T.T

And i saw this guy, who look so familiar.

He was my schoolmate. Which i haven’t seen since ages ago.

He was a friend back in my hometown.

I mean the kinda friend that you recognize the face but not the name or anything else.

The kinda friend that you never really talk to.

Okay, how is that suppose to sound like a friend?

 You know. That kind of friend. You know..

So we talk and begin the hey-i-know-you conversation.

And as i talk to him i don’t know why am i so sure that this is the God’s-Awesome-Plan that was prepared for me. (I did not ask for his favour to send me back home though.)

I don’t know what make me so sure.. I just know. 

My instinct is pretty accurate.

But still, i don’t want to put so much hope in it because i just met him, and this is the first time i actually talk to him.

So after the mass finish, i waited outside the church.

I’m thinking whether to call the pirate car and wonder if he knows the route to the church.

And to be brutal honest, there was this small hope that the schoolmate guy i met just now will offer to send me back.

Eeee lucu oh saya. Parasan ni mo kena antar balik rumah.

Because it’s obvious that he want to help me, i mean to send me back home, even though he did not said it.

But maybe he’s afraid i will rejected his help, seeing that we just met and rarely know each other.

Then i think he waited for me outside the church and i don’t want to seem like i’m depending on him so i don’t really look for him.

Punya minta puji oh kan. Haha. Ego oh ko ivy.. Hahaa tidak baaa, sa tia mau kasi susah orang baa~

But at last, he ask me the million dollar question:

How am i going back home?

That exact moment, my How in the world am i going back home Brilliant Plan part 2 is instantly replaced by God’s Awesome Plan.

So to end my story, i followed him back home. And if you can see me that moment, i'm glowing with happiness and joy. Mihihihi. 

*Erm..kenapa sia yakin btul ni ikut strangers balik rumah..Herm..tiataula.. sia mmang yakin selama sia hidup~

He offered to send me back home and that’s pretty much the sums of my day.

I was so touched and in awed with God’s Awesome Plan.

Thank you Father God. I’m always in awed by Your plan!Though i find it all kinda funny.

And today i learned that no matter how many backup brilliant plans i thought i have, God’s plan is always better. 

God’s grace is enough. Always do, and always will be.

May you too be blessed with God’s grace.

P.s: Even though i tell this in a funny way, i did feel afraid that i might come home safely. 
But i know, God will provide. And God is definitely my awesome planner. Thank God. =)

Beyond blessed,

aibeh

Cloudy day

It's been cloudy these few days.
The weather.
I love it.
It's not sunny and it's a Perfect weather for a journey to the Dreamland.

Kenapa ba kalau saya bercakap mesti ada maksud tersirat ni.
Hurm. Saya mememang suka tapuk makna sebenar hoping that someone will understand it. 
Stewwpid kan. Ya i know. Biarla sia seja yang paham~

And most of the time, only few people get  it.
When i say few, i mean 1 or 2. 

But about the cloudy thing... i really mean the weather. Not my day.
Well..
Even though i have a few discomfort these few days, i still have a pretty good day.

And oh, one of my blessings were temporarily take away from me.
To be exact, one of my just-met-wingless-angel.
(I really hope it's for temporary)
Just when i thought Father God had make a way for me.
Father God, bless her wherever she is.

But it's okay.
I guess now it's up to me now.

Up until now, i've been relying to other.
It's not wrong, but i can't rely on them forever.

But growing up i'm a pretty independent person. Too independent i guess.
I grow up doing things and going to a lot of places on my own.
I wonder where in the world i have so big of a courage.

I've been to a lot of places where i never been too, with not knowing anyone there.
Whenever i went to a new places for a particular period, i always go out alone on Sundays.
Because i wanted to go to church.

I'm beyond happy to say that i finally found the real reason of going to church.
Not merely because of obligation.
Not because for the sake of following my church friend.
Not because wanting to go jalan-jalan after the mass.
(No offence, i really love going to church with u guys, but i do appreciate the alone-me time)

Because i find that it was during those going-to-mass-alone time that i really know what i'm doing there.

For me, it's simple.

Because I really..really..really want to see Jesus.

You know how when you love someone, you wanted to see them as often as you can.
It's hard to describe with word.
So yeah, i am grateful, very grateful for the faith.
Thank you Father God. 

P.s: "Did you go to church because you don't want to go to hell?
Or because you want to go to heaven?"

May you too find you own reason,
aibeh

TGIF

Hi dear-whoever-is-reading,

first and foremost Thank You Father God that today i am still alive, still breathing and still kicking. 

May i, always be grateful and appreciate the little blessing in life, that by being a blessing myself to other, i too may share the blessing i received from You with other.

The short version of my blog today:

I broke my necklace chain.

I lost my cross. 

menangis di bolakang pintu~

And i feel sad.
Here's the cross that i've lost.
With Hope that i shall see it again.
*Ignore muka pura pura innocent sia.

There goes my short version of my blog.

But i feel like writing it longer.

Macam besa, skil merapu-rapu sia memang tidak boleh dinafikan lagi.

Baiklah, persilakan version panjang.

I felt sick.

No, not homesick.

Okay, maybe a little.

You know, no matter how old you are, you will still miss your home when you are away.

Ask me again in 30 years time. 

What i meant was that i’m more to physical sick.

Maybe because of the weather.

 Its very-super-damn- h.o.t here.

Once, i went out at 7.00 am and i was at the fish mart after like half and hour,

And i was drenched in sweat.

Oh man, talk about starting your day Fresh. T.T

Okay, not much to be blamed since this place is kinda surrounded with the beautiful ocean.

But the view here is.. talan air liur~

Oh My God.

Punya santik the water reflection from the ocean.

O.O~

It’s beyond word. I mean beyond my limited vocabulary..T.T

I once went to one of the resort and i saw the water reflection under the jambatan and i was in awed ni.

Should have took a picture but i stupidly did not charge my camera.

Again. T.T

Okay. Eh apa pla topic sia suda tuh? Apa-apa lah.

Baiklah. Selamat hari Lima kawan2. 

Sayang kamu semua. I rarely said this, so yeah i mean it. =)

TGIF! Have a blessed day ahead!GBU!

I love red ship, i love green ship and i also love yellow ship.
But most of all, i love our Friendship!

I miss my friend and i need a hug,

aibeh@ Det. Chonan

P.s I'm easily annoyed this few days. I'm sory. T.T 

Aunty P is coming i guess.

A little kindness goes a long way

Ok, before i share this, i'm not trying to impress anyone or to show off...or whatever you call it.
I just want to share my thoughts or feeling. Manatau kamurang tersentuh. Kunun. Tidak ba.
Because you know la,

Sharing is caring kan~

So, a quick update. I'm in a new place, about 700km away from my home.
And yes, it can be consider as one of my so-called 'out of comfort zone' and i'm very much unfamiliar with this place.
At first la.

However, i am getting used and adapted to this new surrounding.
So Yeah, terima kasih Tuhan Yesus! =)

Being here the first time, i can already notice that this place is not fully developed,
and no offence but poverty is the one thing that is very obvious.

Kids are wandering here begging for money or whatever people have to offer, and the other day when i went to throw a plastic of rubbish, i saw the kids are inside the big garbage searching for perhaps what-so-ever still can be reused or to be sell.

According to my not-so-statistical-research,
From 10 children that i came across with, 7.5 of them are not wearing shoes, or slippers.

Why ada 0.5 oh bilang? Hahaha
(And belum lagi sia kasi cerita what i saw in the kampung area in the island, fuh~)

And i asked myself, what la i should do?

And faster than the speed of lightning, this bible verses sprang to my mind: 
Matthew 25 : 35-40

Okla, actually i don't remember exactly which verse, i only remember the main point of the verse, which is:
Whatever you did to strangers, or to whosoever, you did for Him.


Since i did not hafal all the bible verse, here's the complete version of what i said structed me earlier:

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat,
I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink,
I was a stranger and you invited me in,  
I needed clothes and you clothed me,
I was sick and you looked after me,
I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
 
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
 
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

So today during my lunch hour, i came across a little girl, who apparently, is not wearing slipper as well.
And i was walking back to the office, and i walk by her, (actualy i wanted to take another route ba, but strangely i still want to walk pass her by)

Then she approach me asking for food.
(Yala ba kan, takkan dia tiba2 minta salipar pla kan..)

I was stunned for a split second, and coincidentally i did not finish my lunch that day, so i tapau la my Nasi goreng Kampung yang SANGAT THE VERY PEDAS ni.

(Well. I believe that it's not a Coincidence. I mean the 'coincidentally' did not finish my lunch, and 'coincidentally' i feel like tapau-ing it)

I believe its His plan.
It's always when i least expect it, the unexpected will come whether i like it or not.
You know, i think God has a funny way of asking me to do the so-called little things in my life.


Yeah, at this point of my life.
I know and realize that i may not be a Saint. Obviously.

I'm no St Francis. No St Teresa of Avila @ The Little Flower.

And yes i don't even know half he names of the Saints.

And yes, i'm a sinner just like any normal being.

But you know what?

God still loves you. Whether you like it or not. 

I realize that it was because of we are a sinner that we come to Him.
It's not the sick people that need the doctor kan?

And I learned that God do not ask you to give things you don't have ba.

And God knows your limit. Always.
So do what you Can,
because i believe that a little kindness can make a difference.

So for me, i think i'm being called to the Little Things.
You know. The small small things.

And no matter how small you think your kindness is, trust me.
It's never small in God's eye.

Remember the verses i said that structed me these few days? It's like a magic verse ni, i mean whenever i saw kids with no slipper, or kids begging, or kids that lives in poverty, the verse will like come to me in that exact moment.

So i quickly gave the little girl my tapau.

Thank you Father God. For showing me the way.
May you bless the girls and the rest of the living-in-the poverty-kids out there.

I wish i can do more, i just haven't have a clear picture of how i can help more. So let start it through small things first. Nothing is impossible in Jesus name kan. Amen!

And another thing i learned is to be grateful of what you have, sometimes looking at people living in poverty, makes you realize how abundant your blessing are.

P.s : I'm laughing inside my heart when i saw so many kids wihtout slippers here, isaid this to myself 'Looks like i'll be buying dozens of slippers while i'm here.' Btw, i haven't bought any slipper yet. Hope to do that soon. Or more

You calm my raging sea

Since young,

people have always give me the impression that God is present only in big moment.

Big things. 

Maybe in life-threatening situation. 

In one of those 'rare' moment.

Or in 'magic' moment that happens rarely.

But growing up and facing the world(maybe not the whole world),

i learned that it's not totally true.

and somehow, someway,

God tells me that He was there all these time,

in every step that i made,

every breathe that i take,

even on an ordinary days,

He was there.

and He is still here with me. 

Even when i'm typing this.

I believe that God is present in little things.

He was in the little things, the little blessings that we often overlook.

Its normal, we are only homo sapiens after all.

And Human only know how to appreciate when thing are gone.

Because we thought it will always be there, and thus we convince ourself that the little blessing that we have will be there tomorrow, there is no need to rush and to appreciate it now.

'Because we will always have tomorrow.'

Thats what we always thought.

But tomorrow is just another uncertainty, an uncertainty that can be taken from us anytime. 

Sooner or later. Just a matter of time.

And the little blessing that we thought we will always have, will be gone before tomorrow come.

If there is anything that i learned in my 3 years of my university life. This is it.

I learn to appreciate the little things, the little gift, or the little angels that i used to overlook.

And i saw God in it.

Thank God for that. =)

I used to lost the so called 'little things' which come in the form of a person.

But well, God's plan is wonderful.

Little by little, time after time, i learn to understand the plan.

And i saw the wonderful plan that God have is way better than the plan that i have planned.

And recently, i have this struggle in myself, with my evil side.

I didn't like this evil feeling and i keep hiding it within myself, and comforting myself.

It was a question, a negative feeling that i have toward something.

I feel so small facing that situation, and sometime it hurts my pride.

I feel humble and a bit ashamed.
I feel so sad.
And angry.
And jealous.
And above all, confused.

I pray and pray to Father God to take this all away.
And well, God will make a way. Always.
And this time He did too.

I finally found the answer to my question.
And i feel better. A lot.
All this time, when im searching for answer, it will always appear in unexpected time and unexpected people.
Well, i guess God works in wondrous way. =)

I read through the 'soulfood' in my email, its actually the article by Bo Sanchez.

and somehow God answered my question. It was as simple as that.

Perhaps this is all i have, but i guess this is enough for me. 
And i certainly i know i'm truly blessed for what i have and what i've become today.
Sia akan berusaha! XD


The problem that you are facing is what makes me grow.
Problems stretch your wings.
It force your core gift to come out.
If there is no problem, if things come easily to you,
you will never survive when stormy season come,

Thank You Father God. 

For calming the raging sea inside me.

May Ur love and Joy overflow in my heart that i may share this with the people around me. Amen.

GBU.


P.s : I've been reading too much recently.

You are heaven in my heart.. and this is my temporary home

Father God, You are heaven in my heart.

And all this while i was praying for it,
even though i'm hardly worthy.

And time by time i told myself not to expect to see U in big things,
and that U are in small things too.

Because i often look so hard at those BIG things to see U and i overlooked those small things.
And i forgot that U were there too, during one of those so-called SMALL things.

And again, my unheard prayer was granted yesterday.

U sent me this one person that i least expected to tell me Your message.

And it was so clear.
Clearer than sabun cuci muka Clean& clear. haha teteda..

And i get more than just to feel U last night,
I get a glimpse of U.

And at first i doubt it, because this unworthiness in me is blinding me.

And as the praise and worship session go on, i usually will move my body as the music plays.

but last nite i suddenly freeze and i keep still.

as if i knew something is coming.

And that's when i feel U, and more than just a feeling, i saw U.

and i saw this glimpse of this white robe passing through me.

and i know it's You.

and i'm 120% sure it's not my imagination.

And i didn't see the whole image of U, but it was more than enough for me.

And i remember the bible story about the women that touches Jesus garment and is healed.

And Jesus went with him; and much people followed him, and thronged him. 25 And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years, 26 And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse, 27 When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment. 28 For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole. 29 And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague.

30 And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes? 31 And his disciples said unto him, Thou seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me? 32 And he looked round about to see her that had done this thing. 33 But the woman fearing and trembling, knowing what was done in her, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth. 34 And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague.

I will be still and know that You are God.

Yes it's true that these few weeks things has been hard for me,

and this worldliness keep making me feel unworthy and  empty,

and unrealizingly it become so painful to keep doing what i'm doing,

to keep smiling and believe is not an easy thing u know..

but it was also in this pain that i feel His presence more.

Never as real as this.

And i know that i'm not alone.
And like the women in the passage, i shall believe.

And continue to believe.

Because at this point of life,
only 2 things that remain no matter in what situation i'm facing, no matter how tiring it is.

Its Faith and Love.
and Lord, never let go of me.

Because i'm Your child, and You are my Father.

Lord, this is my temporary home.

And there will be one day,

where i shall see U face to face.

Until that day come, i long for that day, and i shall follow U all of my days.

Friends, if You are facing or carrying a burden so heavy u feel like falling,

remember when the tears fall we are never alone.

In times of suffers, the Lord is with us.

And He send so many wingless angels to us to carry each other's burden.

He's with us.

Always do always will.

Emmanuel.

Oh happy day~

I'm glad. So glad.
And ya.
Feelings do come and go~

Mmmm...my attempt of fasting on facebook fail!
ta june...sia suda deactivate baituh...sekali cek dari page orang lain pun masi buli nampak ne sia punya wall..aish, aish!

A lot of people needs prayers recently.
Be strong, dear friends!
I'll pray for u!

Have a nice day! God be with u!

P.s : Namapaknya sia agak rajin mengupdate blog suda~

It's not broken but it's not whole too.

Emmanuel! Always.

I love this name. Emmanuel mean God is with us.

But I don’t know why I feel so far from U God, recently.

And  suddenly I don’t know what to pray, and I don’t know how to start..

And i know I didn’t pray with my whole heart.

And knowing this but not knowing what to do, just make the feeling of furtherness worse.

I’m hardly worthy, I know I don’t belong there. I mean yet. I’m on my way to believing. I hope that one day when the day come, i shall see U face to face.

But I feel that I don’t belong here either. On earth.

Sigh~ Please la. This feeling bothers me a lot.

Feelings do come and go, isn’t it?

Eventually, this negative feeling will go.

But so does the positive feeling. Kan?

And I can never hold on to this same ‘feeling’ forever..Be it positive or negative.

The same goes for  people. 

People come and go too..We can't hold on to them forever.

But we can cherish the moment we spent, 

and smile and say thanks to the Lord saying : Thank You dear God,for those angels U sent, even though sometime it is hard to spot their wings..and even though somitme they can be the one who hurt u.

And recently i've been thinking a lot.

Having mix of feelings that is confusing me, and is making me feel stupid.

I dislike this ‘feeling’.

The feeling of worldliness.

It makes me feel so far from God.

And sometimes it’s turning me into a person I dislike.

Oh God, help me.. the devil really know how to attack people's weakness.

I know i’m broken, I’m hardly worthy of Ur love, but still.. I know U love me.

And I know U miss me.

Above all, i know U’ll never let me go.

But i know that U didn't accept me because i am perfect kan..

And dear Lord, thank U for the angels U’ve sent to me.

Those beautiful wingless angels. Thank U for each of them.

It’s been so worldliness for me..and it’s been hard.

So HARD.

I miss those time..where i'm able to give my all.. my everything..

I guess i need more time with God.

at least more than the time i spent on facebook.

It's time.

Time to give back to U of the thing U gave me.

And I shall start by facing my worldliness number 1 enemy : Facebook.

Apparently, I’ve been spending more time on Facebook than with God.

So I’ll start by deactivating my facebook account.

I’ll activate it only when I’m ready. When would that be? 1 hour? 1 day? 2 day? 3 months?

Wish me luck, peeps!

Or better, remember me in Ur prayer.

As I will pray for u.

Jesus loves u.. Have a blessed day.