Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Because I Care

Hi blog.
It's been a while. Long while.

I guess writing a post on my blog took more than just motivation and...i dont know.. time?

Well, apparently if procrastination is one of my major, my parent would be so proud of me.

Many things happened, people come and go, shit happened, and blessing(which is very good in disguise) happens, i quit my old job, did some part time job as tourist guide, and too many things in my life that i don't have enough words to fill it up to you, blog.

So, Easter is coming and i went to confession this morning.
I only decided to go to confession last night, checked the schedule and it start at 9am.

I woke up early today to prepare myself, i almost decide to postpone and go to the afternoon confession session because my bed is really REALLY good in persuading. I'm sure all the beds in the world are.

Me  : 'I can't stay.'
Bed : 'But baby it's cold outside~'

I knew this would happened the night before, so i told myself, if i don't go now, i would come up with even better excuse later and decide not to go in the end.
Okay, cut the crap. So i was alone when i woke up since my lil brother(he's still studying) went to school and my sister went to school too.(Btw she's a teacher)

And me? I'm a farmer. Since i grow grapes. A very successful farmer.

Actually i'm still looking for new jobs since i quit my former job at Mabul,(which i'm very grateful of after the incident of the intruder in Lahad Datu.) and  also my part time job at KK.

Okay, my point is there is something that i need to share today.
It's not anything great, it's just something i wanted to share.

So i finally beat the evil that was trying to convince me and given me brilliant excuse to not go to confession.

It's really ironic that there is a car with me here but i don''t know how to drive one.
Nevermind, so i walk to church which is 10 minutes walking distance from my house. As i pass by one of the shops lots, i saw a blind aunt sitting while holding a can for people to put money into.

I recognize this blind aunt. Actually, i pretty much recognized everyone in this town since its not that big.
I saw this aunt countless time, and few times i put money into her can. Without much thought, i just pass her by.

I bought a mineral water and i thought of the aunt just now. Thinking if she is hungry or thirsty. I decide to go back to her after i bought my water.

As i walk toward the shops lot where i saw her, i wonder if i should give her the water i bought, and as i was thinking and walking.... I unconsciously opened the mineral water and drink it.

Then i stop, realized what i have done..and wonder what in the world am i doing? I wanted to give her the water but my reflex is so quicker than my mind that i'm already drinking the water when i saw the blind aunt!

I wanted to laugh at myself and at the same time, bang my head on the wall or scratch my head on the road because of my guilt and stupid quick reflexes. So i continue to walk toward her and put some money into her can quickly because i have a habit of doing things like these without wanting to get noticed.
Then I headed to church and decide to come back here after i finish my confession.

On the way to church i saw another ahjumma, an old aunt, (lets call her ahjumma so we don't confuse aunt 1 and aunt 2) i smile to her and as she smile at me she asked if i am heading to the church and we walked together and make small conversation.

It's been a while since i talk to strangers so it feel refereshing, in some way. :)

Then i sat with the ahjuma and the aunt in the church, waiting for my turn for confession. I thought of the blind aunt, of what i can do, of so many things when i was waiting, and even when i was praying. I saw so many old people doing things by themself  wherever i go and i feel so helpless looking and wondering how to help them.
I wanted to do so many things, i wanted to care and sometime i don't know how.

All this while,I witnessed and read people's kindness and their beautiful sharings and their great actions, their great love to others, their care and courage and so many things more. I was more than moved and motivated.
I thought of things i could have done. I want to be like them too.
For a moment, i wanted those too.

(I thought of walking back home with the same ahjumma too, and perhaps even have lunch and talk with her since she is alone.)

Then it struck me if i wanted to do those thing for myself, or for Him. Because i wanted to feel good about myself, or because i want to be more like you Lord. I know i wanted to do the right thing for the wrong reason. Because i want to feel good about myself.

And i know it instantly. I feel like a hypocrite.
And my heart now feel even more restless, and heavy because of my selfishness.
I want to do good things, small thing with great love, but knowing that i sometime get carried away by my self, i am afraid of doing these things for my own sake. I don't want to stop doing these things just because i want to take credit in those deed so i can feel better about myself. I want to do it out of Love, God's love.

So i prayed,
"Father, i have received so much love and kindness from other, even from strangers, and because of this i want to do the same too. I might not know how to do great things like other did out of love, or  i might not capable of doing those great things that other did,
But i only ask for Your grace that i do things that i am capable of, even if its only small things.
And i'm more than grateful even if my capability of doing good deeds is limited only to small things, but let me do it with love, no matter how small it is.
And help me not to do it because of myself, but because of Your Love.
I don't know what i'm capable of doing for others, but whatever i want to do, let me do it with love, You love. Amen."

Then i went for my confession and somehow the priest told me about showing love and care for the people around me and so on, and i feel so touched and feel so thankful and blessed to Jesus.

I know deep in my heart that God knows what i'm worried about.

I walk back and the ahjuma i sat with just now finished her confession earlier than me, so i walk back alone. I went to buy my lunch and bought a soft drink ready to go home. Then i passed by the blind aunt once again.

I walk pass her wondering if she is hungry or thirsty.
Questions springs to my my mind.
How did she came, how is she coming back. Is someone gonna fetch her later? Who is she living with? Dis she have a son or daughter?

I hesitate for a moment. I wanted to give her my food. Or my drink. Or anything she need.
I thought of many sharing i read and witnessed where they do great things with love towards strangers, but at the same time i was worried because people keep passing by and i don't want them to judge me.

With people looking at me, i feel so uncomfortable coz they make me feel like i did it to show how good  i am when the reason is simply because i care.

I wonder why sometime human feel embarrassed when they want to do good. Is it human nature? Or maybe it's just my nature. I just don't want them to think that i did it to show how good of a person i am.
Most of the time, that's what stopping me.

This time, i decide to give her more than just money.
I want to do more than what i did normally.
I want to give her more than just money.
Because more than money, what she need is love. Or care.
I want to let her know that she is not isolated just because of her physically challenged condition. Her blindness.
And even more, i want her to know that some people care.

So i decide to give her my drinks. I put the drink beside her and i wanted to leave it there and go as fast as a lightning speed before she notice. (partly because i want to leave before anybody-else notice, i guess i'm still embarrassed after all huhu)

As i put it next to her i worried that she won't notice the drink, and i paused for a moment there and thinking whether to put it on her hand or on her lap? Or just near to her?

Then as i was approaching her putting the drink next to her, she moved her hand and touch her surrounding, knowing someone or something is around her. I saw her relying only on her touch to locate the drink, and i instantly picked up the drink and put it on her hand, and told her to drink it when she is thirsty.

She hold it and try to open it, i feel like an idiot just watching and letting her open the can herself, then i quickly help her to open it and gave it to her. I wanted to leave after opening it.

Then she hold my hand and i sit in front of her looking at her and no longer care if people are watching. I know people been passing by and watching me and the blind aunt, wondering what am i doing. I try my best to ignore them.

She asked my name, about my parent, where do i live. I tried to answered all her qs becasue sometime i can't hear what she was asking. At some point she suddenly talk in Dusun, and i still understand a bit when she asked about my age. Then she talk fully in Dusun and i told her, i don't understand. So she asked me in Malay, whether i'm married. I said no as i laughed in my heart. Haha.

She thanked me and hold my hand and kissed it. I was more than touched, i can feel how happy and  moved she felt at that moment. And i feel grateful and blessed too.

*FYI,  i did not shed a tear. Because if i did, it would be even more embarrassing. 

I don't know, i don't feel sad for her, nor pity, i just feel blessed by her, so why should i shed a tear? Right? :)

She showed her happiness when she kissed my hand.
I can tell that she was so happy and moved not because of my drink,
or because i opened the can for her,
or because i can understand a little bit of her Dusun,
or because i'm not married. (Just kidding)

But because she know that someone do care for her.

After a while, i told her i'm leaving and told her to take care. And i come home feeling even more blessings in my heart. Because God answered my prayer.

As i walk back home, i said a little prayer for her. And i was kinda sorry for not asking her name. And only now i realize that i should have given her a hug. But still, i'm thankful. I promised myself to do even more for her one day.
I'm grateful, because despite of my worry of doing things to make me feel better, i know i did it because of love. I did it because i have received the greatest Love first from my saviour, Jesus Christ.

I'm sharing this not to show off myself, I'm no saint nor a great person, nor the kindness person i know, nor to be proud of myself for what i did, but because i want to remind myself that we don't need to be a saint to do kindness. Most of the time, we can do kindness, or show our love with our own way, with our own capabilities.
Yes, we can do small things with Great love.

And somehow,i just hope that maybe my sharing will somehow inspire you too.

Because i too was inspired by other's sharing and gain the courage to do things that touch other's heart.
Even the smallest things.

Thank You Lord for today. God bless each of us.

May your kindness goes a long way too,

Monday, October 29, 2012

One of Those Days

I know and understand that people come and go.

It's a part of life after all.

It's sad that one day, everyone you know will become a memory.

It feels like a tiny tiny part of me is being taken away.

I might not show much feelings on the outside, but i DO feel sad.

Even only on the inside.

Because i feel that showing it might make things harder for you..


'Smile even when it's painful.'

I have this habit of hiding all the bitterness inside, and the more bitter it feels,

somehow the wider my smile is on the outside.

Wherever you are and whatever you are doing,

I hope and pray that it's nice where you are.

Knowing that you'll be happy and healthy...

is more than enough.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

God be with us,

Friday, July 13, 2012

Keeping my Faith

Nobody said it was going to be easy.

I gotta learn what i got, and what i'm not, 
and who i am.

Is it okay to be not okay?
Because i am afraid that if for a second...for 1 second i show my weakness,
and admit that this is tough,
It might bring me down. Way down.

But in the meantime, i'll be fine.
I know i will.
I've come this far, and i'm keeping my faith.
Because i know that if God bring you to it,
God will bring you through it.

Hakuna matata,

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Do The Right Thing Anyway

Wherever you are right now, remain faithful.
Always give your best.
You may not be in the right job,
you may not have the right tools,
you may not be in the right place,
you may not be with the right people
But do the right thing anyway
and God Himself will give you the right reward.
-Bo Sanchez-

Lovely! definitely one of my To-Buy Things
May we are able do the right thing anyway,

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Please bear with me

Hey blog,
Not much time left for me to spend my days surfing the net reading random things.

So today, I stumble upon this when i was surfing the net.
And i wanted to share it.
Because caring! C:

Its something from Bo Sanchez.

Because yesterday is Fathers day, so this would somehow be the most appropriate time to share things like this.

I made a leche flan for my dad to celebrate Fathers day,
well..the leche flan is kinda a success. The taste is alright but i gotta improve the outlook to make it more appetizing.

But since it was something that come from my heart,
I guess dad doesn't mind the outlook.

Can't blame me much since it was only the second time i made a leche flan.
I'll post the picture of my homemade leche flan the next time when i did a better version of it. C:


To my hero, and to my first love, my dad Primus Chin Fook Seng,

Happy Fathers Day!
My ama om apa with me on Graduation day!

My parent with my CSGians friend who came to my house! Wee~

May Father God in heaven bless you with love, peace, joy and good health and all the blessing that you will need!

Anyways, here is what i want to share.

It's something simple, something so common that we forgot about it.

I hope you would spend your 5 minutes to read this,

Please bear with me.

Dear Child,
As I get older, please be patient with me.When I drop things or make a mess of my food, I hope you don’t shout at me or scold me.  Please bear with me.

When my eyesight dims and I stumble along my way, or when my hearing gets really bad and I can’t hear what you say, please bear with me.

When these embarrassing and difficult times come, if you could just hold my hand and tell me that you understand… I’m sorry child, I’m getting older.  Please bear with me.When my feet get crooked and my knees get weaker, when I fumble in my steps and I walk slower, I hope you remember the time when I taught you how to walk.  Please bear with me.

When I keep repeating my stories to you, sometimes 4 or 5 times a day, just smile and pretend I said it the first time.  Because to my failing memory, it’s really the first time I’m saying it to you.  Just remember how you repeated yourself as a child.  Remember how many times you asked, “Are we there yet?” every time we took a trip.  Or how many times you asked, “Mommy, can you buy me this toy?” whenever we were in a toystore?  Please bear with me.

When I don’t smell so nice, when I smell like an old person, please be patient with me.  When you smell something not too good from me, I hope you remember that when you were small, you used to sweat and smell too.  But I loved it because it was part of your growing up.  Well, my smells are part of my growing old.  Please bear with me.When I get cranky or get sensitive, or when I get sentimental and moody, or when I get pushy and demanding, all these are all part of getting old.  You’ll understand when you get older.  Please bear with me.

When you have time, I hope you visit me.  Talk with me for a few minutes.  I’m always all by myself and have no one to talk to.  I know you’re busy with work but your work will always be with you, even after I’m gone.  I won’t be here forever.  Please bear with me.Even if you’re not interested in my stories, please pretend you are. Do u remember when I used to listen to your stories about your toys, your imaginary friends, and the cartoons you watched?  Those things weren’t very interesting to me, but because they were important to you, they were important to me too.  I ask you to please bear with me.When the time comes when I get sick and bedridden, I hope you visit me.  I’m sorry if I accidentally wet the bed or make a mess.  I hope you stay with me during the last few moments of my life.  I’m not going to last much longer anyway.  Please bear with me.I pray for you everyday.  When I finally meet God, I will continue to mention your name to Him.

I love you.We love you.Please bear with me.
 Eternally,Mom and Dad 

Note to you, to anyone, and especially to myself:

Love thy parent. Spend time with them. Love them. Care for them. Show it by the little things that you do for them. Talk to them. Pray with them, and for them.

We are so busy growing up, we often forgot they are also growing old.

May you grow old with the people you love. Amen.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Keriangan dari Kota Keriangan

Last weekend, my church colleague, Catholic Student Group came to Tenom.
And they visited my house!

The fact is i really miss being a part of CSG. (Catholic Student Group)
Back in the university time, i spent a whole lot of time with them.
And those time are time where i really feel belong and literally changed my view in God.

To be honest, as a Christian,I never was a strong believer before,
but here in CSG my faith grows.
Thank God for CSG!
Its a long story. But definitely a good story though.

I was so happy that they came even for a while.
My parent are more than glad to welcome them too! ^^

They brought with them a joyful and loving heart to my house.
Thank you guys. I love CSG, and i love being a part of CSG.
Aways do, always will.

Since a picture says a thousand word, here goes a thousand word:

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Quiet Before The Storm

Good am peeps!

The weather today is perfect to describe my feeling.

It's shady and the sun is nowhere to be seen.
It gives you this describable warm feeling.

Clouds are forming, and it's quiet.
It's almost like the Quiet Before The Storm.

If a storm is coming,
I hope the storm do bring the rainbows along.

It's coming

May you keep me strong when the storm come,