For He knows whats best

Minnasan. Sashiburi.
*Writing in Japanese reminds me that i still have a lot of shukudai to be done for my Japanese class. zan nen desune.

So.
Its CNY holidae, and it is also my mid semester holidae. And yes, also a Valentine day.
And so i was planning to spend my weekend(13,14th) at Kaingaran, Tambunan.
They were having a retreat there, which i so want to go actually.
But end up spending my weekend at my dad's kampung.
-_-

Hurm.
And i feel kinda guilty. To God.
Well, i malas to elaborate the details here. Or to eplain the obstacles i faced.
Enough la if i just say i feel guilty and sayang ni that i cannot go.
And no  need to explain much when i know its my own fault.
I Really Really wanna go.
In fact, i even see myself there, finding my way back to God.
And i even ask for the form weeks before.

But well, i made my choice.
And i gotta live with it.
I told myself that if i didnt go to this retreat because of personal reason or because of some minor obstacles,
*which i could have choose to go but i didnt.
I know i would never be able to forgive myself.

Because He said that to follow Him, u will have to let go of everything, to leave behind anything and everything. Even your family.

And i still feel sorry for myself.
And when i saw the pictures of my friend who did went to this retreat.
makes me even more regret and feel so..hurm..i dont know.

Well, the hardest person to forgive is not your friend, nor your enemy. But its yourself.
Well, im choosing another thing before Him. And my willpower just isnt strong enough. in
And although there were a lot of aral yang melintang pukang, i should have trust in You Lord.

But i didnt. Im sorry Lord.
I know God will forgive me, but well i still couldnt forgive myself.
Should let go of it soon.
And to be honest, im kinda jealous to those who did went to this retreat.

And i feel im drifting further and further away. Im holding on now. Holding on.
Many things that i need to let go. But never did i really let go.
And so the least i could do is to pray.

To let go is hard. But to hold on is harder.

Dono which one should i do. To let go or to hold on.
But well, i know i should let go.
Lord, may i have the Strength to let go of things that arent meant to be mine.
And help me to see that it is for my good. For our good.
Because You know what is best for us.

JLU.