Hi blog.
It's been a while. Long while.
I guess writing a post on my blog took more than just motivation and...i dont know.. time?
Well, apparently if procrastination is one of my major, my parent would be so proud of me.
Many things happened, people come and go, shit happened, and blessing(which is very good in disguise) happens, i quit my old job, did some part time job as tourist guide, and too many things in my life that i don't have enough words to fill it up to you, blog.
So, Easter is coming and i went to confession this morning.
I only decided to go to confession last night, checked the schedule and it start at 9am.
I woke up early today to prepare myself, i almost decide to postpone and go to the afternoon confession session because my bed is really REALLY good in persuading. I'm sure all the beds in the world are.
Me : 'I can't stay.'
Bed : 'But baby it's cold outside~'
I knew this would happened the night before, so i told myself, if i don't go now, i would come up with even better excuse later and decide not to go in the end.
Okay, cut the crap. So i was alone when i woke up since my lil brother(he's still studying) went to school and my sister went to school too.(Btw she's a teacher)
And me? I'm a farmer. Since i grow grapes. A very successful farmer.
Actually i'm still looking for new jobs since i quit my former job at Mabul,(which i'm very grateful of after the incident of the intruder in Lahad Datu.) and also my part time job at KK.
Okay, my point is there is something that i need to share today.
It's not anything great, it's just something i wanted to share.
So i finally beat the evil that was trying to convince me and given me brilliant excuse to not go to confession.
It's really ironic that there is a car with me here but i don''t know how to drive one.
Nevermind, so i walk to church which is 10 minutes walking distance from my house. As i pass by one of the shops lots, i saw a blind aunt sitting while holding a can for people to put money into.
I recognize this blind aunt. Actually, i pretty much recognized everyone in this town since its not that big.
I saw this aunt countless time, and few times i put money into her can. Without much thought, i just pass her by.
I bought a mineral water and i thought of the aunt just now. Thinking if she is hungry or thirsty. I decide to go back to her after i bought my water.
As i walk toward the shops lot where i saw her, i wonder if i should give her the water i bought, and as i was thinking and walking.... I unconsciously opened the mineral water and drink it.
Then i stop, realized what i have done..and wonder what in the world am i doing? I wanted to give her the water but my reflex is so quicker than my mind that i'm already drinking the water when i saw the blind aunt!
I wanted to laugh at myself and at the same time, bang my head on the wall or scratch my head on the road because of my guilt and stupid quick reflexes. So i continue to walk toward her and put some money into her can quickly because i have a habit of doing things like these without wanting to get noticed.
Then I headed to church and decide to come back here after i finish my confession.
On the way to church i saw another ahjumma, an old aunt, (lets call her ahjumma so we don't confuse aunt 1 and aunt 2) i smile to her and as she smile at me she asked if i am heading to the church and we walked together and make small conversation.
It's been a while since i talk to strangers so it feel refereshing, in some way. :)
Then i sat with the ahjuma and the aunt in the church, waiting for my turn for confession. I thought of the blind aunt, of what i can do, of so many things when i was waiting, and even when i was praying. I saw so many old people doing things by themself wherever i go and i feel so helpless looking and wondering how to help them.
I wanted to do so many things, i wanted to care and sometime i don't know how.
All this while,I witnessed and read people's kindness and their beautiful sharings and their great actions, their great love to others, their care and courage and so many things more. I was more than moved and motivated.
I thought of things i could have done. I want to be like them too.
For a moment, i wanted those too.
(I thought of walking back home with the same ahjumma too, and perhaps even have lunch and talk with her since she is alone.)
Then it struck me if i wanted to do those thing for myself, or for Him. Because i wanted to feel good about myself, or because i want to be more like you Lord. I know i wanted to do the right thing for the wrong reason. Because i want to feel good about myself.
And i know it instantly. I feel like a hypocrite.
And my heart now feel even more restless, and heavy because of my selfishness.
I want to do good things, small thing with great love, but knowing that i sometime get carried away by my self, i am afraid of doing these things for my own sake. I don't want to stop doing these things just because i want to take credit in those deed so i can feel better about myself. I want to do it out of Love, God's love.
So i prayed,
"Father, i have received so much love and kindness from other, even from strangers, and because of this i want to do the same too. I might not know how to do great things like other did out of love, or i might not capable of doing those great things that other did,
But i only ask for Your grace that i do things that i am capable of, even if its only small things.
And i'm more than grateful even if my capability of doing good deeds is limited only to small things, but let me do it with love, no matter how small it is.
And help me not to do it because of myself, but because of Your Love.
I don't know what i'm capable of doing for others, but whatever i want to do, let me do it with love, You love. Amen."
Then i went for my confession and somehow the priest told me about showing love and care for the people around me and so on, and i feel so touched and feel so thankful and blessed to Jesus.
I know deep in my heart that God knows what i'm worried about.
I walk back and the ahjuma i sat with just now finished her confession earlier than me, so i walk back alone. I went to buy my lunch and bought a soft drink ready to go home. Then i passed by the blind aunt once again.
I walk pass her wondering if she is hungry or thirsty.
Questions springs to my my mind.
How did she came, how is she coming back. Is someone gonna fetch her later? Who is she living with? Dis she have a son or daughter?
I hesitate for a moment. I wanted to give her my food. Or my drink. Or anything she need.
I thought of many sharing i read and witnessed where they do great things with love towards strangers, but at the same time i was worried because people keep passing by and i don't want them to judge me.
With people looking at me, i feel so uncomfortable coz they make me feel like i did it to show how good i am when the reason is simply because i care.
I wonder why sometime human feel embarrassed when they want to do good. Is it human nature? Or maybe it's just my nature. I just don't want them to think that i did it to show how good of a person i am.
Most of the time, that's what stopping me.
This time, i decide to give her more than just money.
I want to do more than what i did normally.
I want to give her more than just money.
Because more than money, what she need is love. Or care.
I want to let her know that she is not isolated just because of her physically challenged condition. Her blindness.
And even more, i want her to know that some people care.
So i decide to give her my drinks. I put the drink beside her and i wanted to leave it there and go as fast as a lightning speed before she notice. (partly because i want to leave before anybody-else notice, i guess i'm still embarrassed after all huhu)
As i put it next to her i worried that she won't notice the drink, and i paused for a moment there and thinking whether to put it on her hand or on her lap? Or just near to her?
Then as i was approaching her putting the drink next to her, she moved her hand and touch her surrounding, knowing someone or something is around her. I saw her relying only on her touch to locate the drink, and i instantly picked up the drink and put it on her hand, and told her to drink it when she is thirsty.
She hold it and try to open it, i feel like an idiot just watching and letting her open the can herself, then i quickly help her to open it and gave it to her. I wanted to leave after opening it.
Then she hold my hand and i sit in front of her looking at her and no longer care if people are watching. I know people been passing by and watching me and the blind aunt, wondering what am i doing. I try my best to ignore them.
She asked my name, about my parent, where do i live. I tried to answered all her qs becasue sometime i can't hear what she was asking. At some point she suddenly talk in Dusun, and i still understand a bit when she asked about my age. Then she talk fully in Dusun and i told her, i don't understand. So she asked me in Malay, whether i'm married. I said no as i laughed in my heart. Haha.
She thanked me and hold my hand and kissed it. I was more than touched, i can feel how happy and moved she felt at that moment. And i feel grateful and blessed too.
*FYI, i did not shed a tear. Because if i did, it would be even more embarrassing.
I don't know, i don't feel sad for her, nor pity, i just feel blessed by her, so why should i shed a tear? Right? :)
She showed her happiness when she kissed my hand.
I can tell that she was so happy and moved not because of my drink,
or because i opened the can for her,
or because i can understand a little bit of her Dusun,
or because i'm not married. (Just kidding)
But because she know that someone do care for her.
After a while, i told her i'm leaving and told her to take care. And i come home feeling even more blessings in my heart. Because God answered my prayer.
As i walk back home, i said a little prayer for her. And i was kinda sorry for not asking her name. And only now i realize that i should have given her a hug. But still, i'm thankful. I promised myself to do even more for her one day.
I'm grateful, because despite of my worry of doing things to make me feel better, i know i did it because of love. I did it because i have received the greatest Love first from my saviour, Jesus Christ.
I'm sharing this not to show off myself, I'm no saint nor a great person, nor the kindness person i know, nor to be proud of myself for what i did, but because i want to remind myself that we don't need to be a saint to do kindness. Most of the time, we can do kindness, or show our love with our own way, with our own capabilities.
Yes, we can do small things with Great love.
And somehow,i just hope that maybe my sharing will somehow inspire you too.
Because i too was inspired by other's sharing and gain the courage to do things that touch other's heart.
Even the smallest things.
Thank You Lord for today. God bless each of us.
May your kindness goes a long way too,
aibeh
